People are complicated, of course — we know this; the good guy/bad guy dichotomy has always been false. My husband spoke eloquently and made love gently, but was capable of violence; B. spoke sparingly and needed to at least act out violence, but lived his life rather like a Zen Buddhist monk.
I think I understand. It’s the same thing as some women wanting to be dominated on the bed, but that doesn’t mean they love being abused. BDSM is a complex concept, but true BDSM has no room for violence as violence is understood. It’s communion in ways where both parties understand fully how far the boundaries can be pushed, and it is fully consensual. In fact, true BDSM is all about consent and people who practice it probably understand and respect consent more than your average joe.